For All of the Musicians Out There

You Might Be Too Old to Gig If.....................
Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body than playing scales.
It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your fan and chair,than your amp.
During the second set, you yell at the drummer to stop hitting those annoying cymbals.
Your wife is drunk and dancing by herself before the second set starts.
You always refuse to play out of tune.
Your gig clothes make you look like Bill Murray out for a round of golf.
Your audience left at 10:30 p.m. and you don't notice.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage and an Ensure....Chocolate.
You hire band members for their equipment instead of their talent.
Instead of adding a fifth piece, your band pays for a roadie.
You've lost the directions to the gig.
You've forgotten the name of the club that you're playing.
Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your nose.
Most of the hair you've plucked from your nose is gray.
You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
You can't remember your amp settings.
You've thrown your back out, just getting on the stage.
You're thrilled to have Christmas and New Year's Eve off.
The waitress is your unmarried, pregnant daughter.
You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
Most of the crowd doesn't even realize that there is a band playing.
You find the directions to last week's gig in your guitar case.
You no longer use a tip jar.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 7:00 pm instead of 9:00 pm, in hopes of getting home in time to catch Sports Center.
You want an opening act.
You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
High notes make you cough. Hell, most notes make you cough.
Your gig stool has a back.
You're related to at least one other member of the band.
You need a nap before and after the gig.
You don't let anyone "sit in" and "jam."
After the third set, you take a 30 minute break and bug the club owner to let you quit early. During the breaks, you go to your SUV to lay down.
Your music stand has to have a light.
You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon from a Friday night gig.
You can't play a gig without a set list.
You tell other musicians that you double on bass.
You refuse to play longer than contracted.
You actually have a contract.
You know all the words to "Aqualung" and "Stairway To Heaven."